Torn

Warning: this is a long post and an emotional one, because yesterday I didn't feel like I was on a paid vacation anymore.

I have been going back and forth all day on what I should write this blog entry on. I am torn between writing it on more mundane daily happenings that will keep you guys amused or if I should write about the more serious events of last night. I decided that I should write about the events of last night for a couple of reasons. The first being, I personally don't want to forget about what happened last night...even though I don't think that would ever be possible. Second, I told myself when I started this blog that I was writing it so that people at home could try to live vicariously through me, and to get a first hand account of what is happening here. Third, it's all I can think about right now so I probably couldn't write about mundane things like my blood pressure being 108/60 on Friday, although I bet it is much higher today.

I am usually very skeptical of "signs", but after everything that happened last night I can't help but think that something bigger than us was at hand. On that note I will start from the beginning.

First change of events was: yesterday was my first day to work the swing shift. The swing shift runs from 1700 to 0100 and it is a pretty boring shift in which all the work is completed in the first two hours and you spend the rest of the time monitoring emails and watching TV. I am working this shift for the next week to learn the ropes, so that we can start taking days off. I will be the person that covers down while the night and swing shift guys take a day off.

Second change of events was: yesterday was also the first day that the battalion aid station (BAS) was up and running. The medics from my unit run the BAS, which means that there has to be a medic on call all night. Last night my roommate was on call, so she was suppose to be in our apt from 1600 to 0700 in case someone in our company needed medical attention. Since my roommate, Cara, was confined to our apt and I was at work all night this caused the third change of events which was my other two battle buddies (Marie and Shandi), who are roommates, decided not go to the the gym at our usual time of about 2030. For the past three weeks if you wanted to get in contact with any of us four from the hours of 2000 to 2200 the first place you would have looked would have been the gym. Last night none of us were at the gym.

The fourth change of events was the rain, thunder, and lightening.

I work in a building that is like the brain of Balad. Someone makes an annoucement about there being a situation with an aircraft landing on the east side. The east side is kinda big, so we go about our business just waiting for more information to come in. We get the grid coordinates for it and they plot it on our map and it is right on top of my CHU. I mean there is no mistaking it...I am sitting there thinking "holy shit that is my CHU...my battle buddy is confined to her CHU and you are telling me that an aircraft may or may not have landed on my freaking CHU!!!!" No one else seemed too worried about it though.... of course no one else lives in that section. We wait a little longer and find out that in fact the air craft went down in the container field next to my housing area.

My unit decides that we need to do 100% accountability...I mean at first it looked like there should be an aircraft sitting on top of some of our soldiers homes. So, in order to do the 100% accountability I have to drive over to the housing area to find my co-workers. I find them all. They are okay, and I decide to go ahead and swing by to see how Shandi and Marie are doing (the roommates who decide not to go the gym).

Oh. One other important detail. There were about 5 annoucements for all medical personnel to report to the hospital for further instructions. So, I didn't expect to see Cara around because I figured she was at the hospital.

So, I stop by Marie and Shandi's CHU and find their first line leader sitting outside waiting for them. I find this strange, but it doesn't really concern me too much. I ask him where Shandi and Marie are and he says "they are at the crash site." I am confused. The crash site is behind a fence with barbwire on top and probably 200 meters away. All I can think is "crash site...no way, he probably means standing in that large crowd of people over there that got cleared out of their housing area due to the crash being originally plotted on top of the housing area." That's about all I think of the comment and decide to head back to work. At this point I have about 4 more hours left before I get to go home.

I get back to work and just sit around monitor emails and keep people updated on our 100% accoutability that we are doing. About an hour and a half later I get a phone call from my NCOIC and she asks me if I can come home because my battle buddy is locked out of our CHU. I think this is a little strange. The housing office can let people back into their CHU's if you go ask them. So... I naturally ask why they don't just go and do that. She says "yeah we know that, but Cara needs a battle buddy right now and if you aren't busy it would be best if you could just come home." I don't question it. I tell the guy I am working with that my battle buddy needs me and if he wouldn't mind taking me home. He naturally says "why?" I didn't have any details at the time, so I said well my roommate is a medic so maybe she saw some pretty bad stuff. He replies "well...I mean....she's a soldier she needs to suck it up." I use an insane amount of will power at this moment in time and manage to not kick him in the nuts or butt stroke him in the head with my weapon. Instead I very politely say, "I was told to come home, so I need to go."


When I get back to my CHU Maire, Shandi, and my NCOIC are standing outside (it's about 2300 or so), but my battle buddy is not around. I ask where she is at. They say she is talking to the Chaplin. This is both a sigh of relief and a sign that a lot more happened tonight than I currently know about. I ask them what happened. Marie and Shandi reply simultaneously "she is a hero, I can't believe she did that tonight, she just reacted it was amazing...you wouldn't believe what happened."

Now I am really curious as to what has happened. They haven't said anything as to what has happened at this point...they start to calm down and explain the story a little more thoroughly. This is what I have gathered from all three stories combined.


The rain caused my two battle buddies, Maire and Shandi, to want to go outside and play in the rain. Well, I don't know how long they were outside, but it couldn't have been too long, before they noticed that an aircraft was coming in too low and too fast. The aircraft crash landed in the field next to our CHU's, and Shandi and Marie instantly ran to get my roommate, the medic, to tell her what they saw. My roommate heard it, but thought it was thunder (this is apparently what most people thought it was) until Marie and Shandi told her otherwise. She put her tennis shoes on and grabed her medic bag and headed over to the fence line. Shandi ran and phoned in the emergency on one of the emergency phones, which look exactly like the blue light phones that they have all over Mizzou. It's the exact same thing. She pressed the blue button, and told the operator that there was an emergency in the housing complex and they needed medical personnel.

At the fence they saw one of the aircraft personnel and he said that he needed medical personnel over in the container field. Cara, Marie, and Shandi found a whole under the fence and climbed through it, and ran to the aircraft. When they got there they pulled out those who were unable to move and provided care to those that needed it. From what Marie and Shandi said, "Cara just jumped in the aircraft and started pulling people out." So it sounds like some of them may have been unconscious in the aircraft.

The traumatizing part for Cara was the fact that there was one death at the scene. She knew the soldier wasn't going to make it, so she pulled him away from the scene as much as possible so that everyone else wouldn't have to see him. And, she stayed there with him as he passed away. There was no way she could have saved him. He had a traumatic brain injury, and no amount of medical attention in the world would have saved him. She knows that, but it doesn't make it any easier. It was the first time she has ever seen someone die, and I can tell that she feels a lot of guilt about it. She was the first one on the scene, and I think she feels responsible for what happened to him...even though there is nothing she could have done. Last night she didn't say much. She asked me if I knew what happened. I told her that all I know is that she acted like a hero and was amazing. Her only response was "a guy died." That was about all she said last night.

Today she talked more. I asked her if they teach the medics how to deal with the emotional trauma of the things they have to do. She said no. I am not surprised. This might be the new and more emotionally sensitive army, but people still expect the medics and soldiers to not be affected by the things they see. She said that she talked to the Chaplin and the two doctors that are assigned to our brigade, they both eventually got to the crash site too. They told her that the first time you watch someone die is always the hardest and you never forget it. Cara is the same age as me, 23, and she is smart and knows this. It's just that it's all so fresh and all she can think about is what happened and over analyzing everything that she did.

The combination of events last night were strange. Everything could have easily been different. I wasn't suppose to start the swing shift till Monday, but I told my boss that I didn't mind starting on Saturday evening. Shandi and Marie could have easily been at the gym, but instead got distracted by the rain and the idea of how much fun it would be to play in the rain in Iraq. There were 9 other medics that could have been on call last night, but Cara was the one who was picked for the first night.

There is only a half hour left of work. So, I am going to post this as is. If it was a little confusing to follow I apologize. Trying to write down everything in the sequence that the events happened is hard. I could have gone into a lot more detail too, but I wanted to at least attempt to keep your interest. I hope my next post is about more mundane things.